A quick look at social media reveals that reactions to the coronavirus pandemic sweeping the globe run the gamut from laugh-out-loud funny to depressingly somber. With no desire to make light of something that is impacting the physical, emotional, and economic well-being of so many people, I also appreciate the balance that humor can bring to an otherwise scary and uncertain time. And as someone who has OCD, I’ve got to tell you—it’s kind of nice to have so much company when it comes to handwashing, avoidance of physical contact, and a general state of mild paranoia. Welcome to my world.
One of the new arrivals is my mother, who has been taking the whole social distancing and sanitation thing very seriously. Maybe a little too seriously. We ventured out of the house the other day (you know, back when we still could) and my honored parent went white with horror when the cashier touched her credit card.
“I know she’s wearing gloves,” my mom hissed as we left. “But who knows what she’s been touching? Now I have to wash my credit card.”
For those of you who are new to the world of Germaphobia, I’d like to reassure you that while it’s a bit of a complicated place, it’s totally livable. I’ve made it my home for over 20 years. So please, allow me to share a few basic principles to help you enjoy your stay here.
Principle One: No, You Do Not Need to Wash Your Credit Card
As I explained to my mother, the world is divided into contaminated objects and uncontaminated objects. The ratio is about 9 trillion to 3. If you’re someone with OCD, the majority of your life is spent trying to maintain that ratio. Simply put, you can’t worry about cleaning up all the contamination out there; you just have to focus on keeping your little speck of cleanliness from shrinking.
The credit card is not within your speck of cleanliness. It is one of the 9 trillion. Why? Because you use it in public places. You may be the only person who touches the card, but if you’re using it to buy something, that means you’ve touched other stuff first. And we don’t worry about the 9 trillion. We worry about the 3. Clean hands, clean heart, clean home. Your own special speck of cleanliness. That’s really all you need.
Principle Two: Don’t Pop the Bubbles
I have been asking the big questions for years: Why aren’t handshakes outlawed? Why do we use an abbreviated form of strangulation as a sign of affection and call it a hug? And if the earth has 2.3 acres of habitable land per person then why the heck are you only standing 18 inches away from me?
I almost did a celebratory dance when I heard that we’re supposed to be standing six feet away from each other. Finally, the world is coming around to my point of view! Germaphobia is…I won’t say a lonely place, but somewhat isolated. That’s okay. Bubbles are clean and safe and beautifully spherical, so don’t let anybody pop yours.
Principle Three: Breathe. Just Not On Me.
If there’s one principle we’ve managed to hold on to from hard times, it’s to Keep Calm and Carry On. I have an advantage in this regard, as I’m half-English and have inherited a goodly portion of stoicism from my father. However, calm is something we could all use a little more of at a time when the term “panic-buying” is getting ready to lose its hyphen and become a word in its own right.
Yes, it’s a good idea to stock up on necessities, but stock up does not mean stockpile. Even with the stay-at-home order, you’re still allowed to go to the grocery store. All you really need is 14 days’ worth of the necessaries in case you have to self-quarantine. Even in Germaphobia, there’s plenty of everything to go around. Hand sanitizer, food, germs, you name it.
As someone with OCD, I can appreciate the benefits of a little anxiety—but depriving half the population of toilet paper at a time like this? It’s a bit much. So keep calm, keep clean, and keep away from other people. Buy only what you need, wash your hands with soap and water (no, it does not need to be antibacterial soap—the coronavirus is, as its name implies, a virus, not a bacteria), and carry on. We’re going to get through this, people. Well, you are. OCD, much like the coronavirus, does not currently have a cure, so I’ll be staying in Germaphobia for the foreseeable future. But hey, I appreciate the visit—thanks for not popping my bubble.
